The only person with a rope that is long enough to save him, is Jojanneke." - GreenBlade, member of FallenAngel.
We don't get to choose the things that fix us. The people that makes us whole. The goals in life that give us purpose.
Several hours after publishing the last blogpost, one of my moles told me about something I wish never happened. It tipped me over. I wanted the end, but this is not my first rodeo. After a few hundred times, I got used to it. I wanted to share my thoughts, but lost track on how many drafts were made. None sufficed, but I did find a new perspective.
I think it's time I come clean about the status quo, which is something I've mentioned in passing on my blog for years now. I can't take it anymore. I can't keep a lid on it. I cannot disclose everything in public, so I'm not expecting you to agree on everything, but I hope that you're able to understand me a bit better. That's all I can ask for. Now, let's talk.
I'm inconsolable and I'm losing the will to live. I'll never be able to be happy, I'll never be able to have my own life, I'll never be able to have children of my own and I'll never be able to leave this godawful country. It's been 27 years since I've tried to make something out of my life, but the decisions of a single person has made it an inescapable, living hell. The worst part is, there's nothing that can be done about it, except for appealing to the person in question: Jojanneke.
For most of my life, I've devoted myself tirelessly to Jojanneke. She's the only one more important than LEGO. I might have had a chance with her, however her uncompromising beliefs and unwillingness to overtly share her feelings are hard for me to understand as I'm more rational than I am emotional. I'm blunt and outspoken, I value communication, fairness and honesty, but that makes it difficult when it's not overtly returned. As an introvert, talking is not my strength either, where I've had many unintended quarrels with others caused by poor communication. She is my equal, so I want to understand her better. I wish to cherish her, and be cherished in return. However, that may be impossible now.
We've spent a lot of time together and I assumed that everything would work out fine. I took it for granted. If she wasn't clear enough about something, I blindly treated it as a problem that needed to be solved, when that was not my call to make. She toyed with the idea that our friendship might go somewhere, but she decided to ghost me. For the longest time, our side of the story thought it was cruel because this destroyed my life, made worse by the fact that she lead on several times (since). She's criticized for not solving the problem that, from our perspective, she caused. It's the status quo that I can't escape. LEGO cannot happen without her, but if she's unwilling to listen or cooperate, I'm finished. But just because she left doesn't mean I've moved on. I'm still trying to understand what happened, how we can reconcile within the limitations and the lifetime journey I must undergo to become worthy of earning the right to be by her side.
Lately, I've been starting to wonder if, just maybe, against all logic and rationality, I was the one cruel to her all along? What if, from her perspective, I was the one that wronged her? I'm familiar with the virtues and beliefs she lives by, but I have always been puzzled by the somewhat hypocrisy and double standards she's shown towards me. But after so many years, I've started to wonder if maybe my choices had the exact opposite effects on her, becoming the things I'd accuse her of, even though that was not my intention. And it then got me thinking: if that happened all the time, would it be also possible for this to happen on her end as well? What if we misunderstood the way we should treat the other? What if we misunderstood what to expect from each other? What if we misunderstood the way the other wanted to be treated? Things never added up, until I looked at the big picture from this perspective. Here's an example what I mean.
The status quo destroys my life, but many attempts have been made to try and explain her the situation. In fact, this is the focus of my daily life for the past 14 years, and continues to be. Nothing worked. Each time we reached out to her, the situation got worse. Each time she reached out to us, it also got worse. What if these outcomes were unintended?
During the time when we were still together, a distinct characteristic of her is when she rarely opens her heart and is willing to listen. It's always clear when this happens, because her default behavior is extrovert but distant, where she's chatty, controlling, prideful and assertive but avoids connections on a deeper level. When she opens her heart, she's basically defenseless, at her most vulnerable state. A long time ago, Jojanneke once wanted to know the truth and I gave her an answer so honest that she was willing to return the favor. But as someone with autism, finesse and tact aren't my strengths. Like a test at school, you are never graded for if you understand, but the answers you give in the moment. Each time she revealed a part of herself, I understood what she meant, but not how I should act upon it.
Jojanneke once told me that the past shouldn't matter and that we should focus on the now, but at this point in time I was a nervous wreck, eight years in pain and had no reason to believe her. Not only did I refuse her favor, I called her out on her behavior. That was wrong and uncalled for, I fucked it up. I let her down and should've given her the benefit of the doubt. Things escalated after that. I now realize that I offender her, that she may've also nervously fumbled her response after I sneered at her, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I wonder if that's the reason why our relationship went nowhere, where this befell on her too many times. I improperly handled a porcelain teacup like it was one made of steel. I wonder if our relationship would've developed better if we'd spent more time together offline. Call me old fashioned, but I'm better at reading non-verbal social cues than I'm with verbal communication. Everyone was so busy defending my side of the story and confronting her for 14 years that I failed to notice her body language, tone of voice and other signs telling me different. I should've connected the dots sooner, it's probably too late now.
It doesn't matter if everyone else believes she wronged me and that I would be the best partner she could've had. As long as she doesn't see it that way, no matter the reason, it's all irrelevant. It's perhaps the reason why she told me I don't know her and she doesn't know me. I always want to be by her side. I want us to understand each other, to carry her burdens. But it needs time and experience being together. Emotions show value; there's no fulfillment to be found if it doesn't hurt. We must quarrel before we can understand each other. We need to allow mistakes to happen before we can learn. That's the only way to grow meaningful relationships, and I wish Jojanneke would allow us to have one.
I was still inexperienced with her, so I couldn't think straight. I judged her for taking no responsibility for her actions, but what I should've thought about is that there's a chance she knows little about what happened, even if I sent her letters explaining the situation. I should've let her in and asked if she knew what was going on in my life, and if we could work together to solve the status quo. But I've returned the worst thing she did to me, and I'm paying the ultimate price for it.
She may have moved on and found happiness in life, but that doesn't mean I ever will. She may be convinced that we aren't meant to be and I'm somehow able to move on if I tried hard enough, but I should've asked if there's any chance she might be wrong and hasn't given us enough opportunities to understand each other on a deeper level. Because in her decisions to shut me out, she removed (regardless if this was intended) my options to move to Billund and receive the help I need. God knows I'm still trying, but everything keeps getting worse. With chronic fatigue syndrome, I can no longer function on my own. It's too severe for treatment but never severe enough for financial disability support. I'll be forever chained to a caretaker. I've exhausted all options this country offers. Been running in circles and none of health care (over the past 14 years) are allowed to contact her. Without her, my health cannot recover. The exhaustion (CFS) is bad enough already and I'm also losing the battle against my crippling persistent chest pain. It eats away my sanity. Sleeping consumes more energy than it recovers, and I often have to face nightmares about the future I'll never have with her. I don't even want to think about the effort required to get out of this. I pray that she's willing to ponder and ask if this is really how she wants it to end. I wish we could hug it out, let bygones be bygones because it hurts that I've yet to live my own life. I've spent almost half my life stuck like this. It's a struggle to stay afloat and to do right by her.
There's still so much that can be said, but I think you get the point. Truth is, we can talk all day, but it's unlikely she still reads my blog like she used to, let alone do something once she reads this. I'm sorry to have let you all down. I had to vent my frustrations here because nothing ever changes. I always struggle with how I should feel about this, especially now that I realize that she may've experienced our relationship as unpleasant and harmful, when that wasn't the intent. I may've only been a small part in her life, but she still means the world to me. As long as we're alive, there's always a chance for redemption. That's the sweet lie I tell myself, but it's enough to keep me going and to try again tomorrow.
Jojanneke, I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
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