What is the cost of lies?

"Ray is stuck inside a bottomless pit. All of us have a rope, but none of our ropes are long enough to reach him.
The only person with a rope that is long enough to save him, is Jojanneke." - GreenBlade, member of FallenAngel.

We don't get to choose the things that fix us. The people that makes us whole. The goals in life that give us purpose.

Several hours after publishing the last blogpost, one of my moles told me about something I wish never happened. It tipped me over. I wanted the end, but this is not my first rodeo. After a few hundred times, I got used to it. I wanted to share my thoughts, but lost track on how many drafts were made. None sufficed, but I did find a new perspective.

I think it's time I come clean about the status quo, which is something I've mentioned in passing on my blog for years now. I can't take it anymore. I can't keep a lid on it. I cannot disclose everything in public, so I'm not expecting you to agree on everything, but I hope that you're able to understand me a bit better. That's all I can ask for. Now, let's talk.

I'm inconsolable and I'm losing the will to live. I'll never be able to be happy, I'll never be able to have my own life, I'll never be able to have children of my own and I'll never be able to leave this godawful country. It's been 27 years since I've tried to make something out of my life, but the decisions of a single person has made it an inescapable, living hell. The worst part is, there's nothing that can be done about it, except for appealing to the person in question: Jojanneke.

For most of my life, I've devoted myself tirelessly to Jojanneke. She's the only one more important than LEGO. I might have had a chance with her, however her uncompromising beliefs and unwillingness to overtly share her feelings are hard for me to understand as I'm more rational than I am emotional. I'm blunt and outspoken, I value communication, fairness and honesty, but that makes it difficult when it's not overtly returned. As an introvert, talking is not my strength either, where I've had many unintended quarrels with others caused by poor communication. She is my equal, so I want to understand her better. I wish to cherish her, and be cherished in return. However, that may be impossible now.

We've spent a lot of time together and I assumed that everything would work out fine. I took it for granted. If she wasn't clear enough about something, I blindly treated it as a problem that needed to be solved, when that was not my call to make. She toyed with the idea that our friendship might go somewhere, but she decided to ghost me. For the longest time, our side of the story thought it was cruel because this destroyed my life, made worse by the fact that she lead on several times (since). She's criticized for not solving the problem that, from our perspective, she caused. It's the status quo that I can't escape. LEGO cannot happen without her, but if she's unwilling to listen or cooperate, I'm finished. But just because she left doesn't mean I've moved on. I'm still trying to understand what happened, how we can reconcile within the limitations and the lifetime journey I must undergo to become worthy of earning the right to be by her side.

Lately, I've been starting to wonder if, just maybe, against all logic and rationality, I was the one cruel to her all along? What if, from her perspective, I was the one that wronged her? I'm familiar with the virtues and beliefs she lives by, but I have always been puzzled by the somewhat hypocrisy and double standards she's shown towards me. But after so many years, I've started to wonder if maybe my choices had the exact opposite effects on her, becoming the things I'd accuse her of, even though that was not my intention. And it then got me thinking: if that happened all the time, would it be also possible for this to happen on her end as well? What if we misunderstood the way we should treat the other? What if we misunderstood what to expect from each other? What if we misunderstood the way the other wanted to be treated? Things never added up, until I looked at the big picture from this perspective. Here's an example what I mean.

The status quo destroys my life, but many attempts have been made to try and explain her the situation. In fact, this is the focus of my daily life for the past 14 years, and continues to be. Nothing worked. Each time we reached out to her, the situation got worse. Each time she reached out to us, it also got worse. What if these outcomes were unintended?

During the time when we were still together, a distinct characteristic of her is when she rarely opens her heart and is willing to listen. It's always clear when this happens, because her default behavior is extrovert but distant, where she's chatty, controlling, prideful and assertive but avoids connections on a deeper level. When she opens her heart, she's basically defenseless, at her most vulnerable state. A long time ago, Jojanneke once wanted to know the truth and I gave her an answer so honest that she was willing to return the favor. But as someone with autism, finesse and tact aren't my strengths. Like a test at school, you are never graded for if you understand, but the answers you give in the moment. Each time she revealed a part of herself, I understood what she meant, but not how I should act upon it.

Jojanneke once told me that the past shouldn't matter and that we should focus on the now, but at this point in time I was a nervous wreck, eight years in pain and had no reason to believe her. Not only did I refuse her favor, I called her out on her behavior. That was wrong and uncalled for, I fucked it up. I let her down and should've given her the benefit of the doubt. Things escalated after that. I now realize that I offender her, that she may've also nervously fumbled her response after I sneered at her, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I wonder if that's the reason why our relationship went nowhere, where this befell on her too many times. I improperly handled a porcelain teacup like it was one made of steel. I wonder if our relationship would've developed better if we'd spent more time together offline. Call me old fashioned, but I'm better at reading non-verbal social cues than I'm with verbal communication. Everyone was so busy defending my side of the story and confronting her for 14 years that I failed to notice her body language, tone of voice and other signs telling me different. I should've connected the dots sooner, it's probably too late now.

It doesn't matter if everyone else believes she wronged me and that I would be the best partner she could've had. As long as she doesn't see it that way, no matter the reason, it's all irrelevant. It's perhaps the reason why she told me I don't know her and she doesn't know me. I always want to be by her side. I want us to understand each other, to carry her burdens. But it needs time and experience being together. Emotions show value; there's no fulfillment to be found if it doesn't hurt. We must quarrel before we can understand each other. We need to allow mistakes to happen before we can learn. That's the only way to grow meaningful relationships, and I wish Jojanneke would allow us to have one.
I was still inexperienced with her, so I couldn't think straight. I judged her for taking no responsibility for her actions, but what I should've thought about is that there's a chance she knows little about what happened, even if I sent her letters explaining the situation. I should've let her in and asked if she knew what was going on in my life, and if we could work together to solve the status quo. But I've returned the worst thing she did to me, and I'm paying the ultimate price for it.

She may have moved on and found happiness in life, but that doesn't mean I ever will. She may be convinced that we aren't meant to be and I'm somehow able to move on if I tried hard enough, but I should've asked if there's any chance she might be wrong and hasn't given us enough opportunities to understand each other on a deeper level. Because in her decisions to shut me out, she removed (regardless if this was intended) my options to move to Billund and receive the help I need. God knows I'm still trying, but everything keeps getting worse. With chronic fatigue syndrome, I can no longer function on my own. It's too severe for treatment but never severe enough for financial disability support. I'll be forever chained to a caretaker. I've exhausted all options this country offers. Been running in circles and none of health care (over the past 14 years) are allowed to contact her. Without her, my health cannot recover. The exhaustion (CFS) is bad enough already and I'm also losing the battle against my crippling persistent chest pain. It eats away my sanity. Sleeping consumes more energy than it recovers, and I often have to face nightmares about the future I'll never have with her. I don't even want to think about the effort required to get out of this. I pray that she's willing to ponder and ask if this is really how she wants it to end. I wish we could hug it out, let bygones be bygones because it hurts that I've yet to live my own life. I've spent almost half my life stuck like this. It's a struggle to stay afloat and to do right by her.

There's still so much that can be said, but I think you get the point. Truth is, we can talk all day, but it's unlikely she still reads my blog like she used to, let alone do something once she reads this. I'm sorry to have let you all down. I had to vent my frustrations here because nothing ever changes. I always struggle with how I should feel about this, especially now that I realize that she may've experienced our relationship as unpleasant and harmful, when that wasn't the intent. I may've only been a small part in her life, but she still means the world to me. As long as we're alive, there's always a chance for redemption. That's the sweet lie I tell myself, but it's enough to keep me going and to try again tomorrow.

Jojanneke, I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

[EMS] It's a filler update.

Still pissed about last month because all of this has been incredibly predictable and therefore utterly dull. Contribution, like the other systems in the game that tallies cleared runs (i.e. slayers and Commerci), is one of few Nexon refuses to properly address or compensate for. The process of raising them is fun, but being denied accomplishment for the most asinine reasons amplifies the frustration. Normally, you'd have customer support for this. But this is Nexon US we are talking about, so their customer support is useless because they're paid to ignore what doesn't cost them money. Try as I have, the non-existent "Team GMS" would rather throw everyone under the bus than to seize these opportunities to build customer loyalty and repair trust. My patience with Nexon US is increasingly being tested and things will never be the same. The last thing they'll ever do is the only thing that would solve this, and their hollow apologies do nothing. The more I'm pushed to alienation the more vengeful I become. Same shit, different day. Let's never speak of it again.

Now, as the title suggests: it's a filler update. I couldn't care less about the crossover's source material itself. However, the furniture and apartment are nice. As you may recall, I grew up in Japan and everything about the culture has stuck with me. Anime as a pastime is one of that. For years I watch between ten and fifteen anime shows each season, but you may be surprised to hear that I wouldn't consider half of the watched shows to be good. Only a handful are great and usually there's only one or two each season that are excellent. It's all about those hidden gems. But just like food, a healthy balance requires all of the above, including junk food every once in a while. However, the one genre that is often not my cup of tea is the clichéd but popular action genre. Example includes this crossover and the previous one.

Grinding this crossover event was easier, though that's offset by the fact that you cannot keep this character or have it changed into another. It's only for the (cosmetic) rewards. No new boss mule this time. However, regardless whether if it's a filler update, progress continues to be made because dailies and weeklies are always available. As of the time of writing, I've saved up thirty-four billion mesos. Still a lot of mesos required until the goal is met, but I'm getting there.

The latest Epic Dungeon is now available and it yields a slightly higher EXP. I don't enjoy this one as much as Angler Company and that's because of the poor selection of quick-time-events and janky tasks. Carlisle's voice actor carries the English dub once again, which I can't say for Ymir's. That accent is jarringly familiar. Anyway, I'm already halfway to Level 292. How fast it'll go will be decided by the quality of the next event rewards. This event was modest, but the cubes have ranked up the Additional Potential of my Eternal gloves and gave it two useful lines. That's nice, I guess.

Aside from Maple, I continue to be busy with the same as always. In particular, the ramifications of 2023 still demands a lot of time, energy and keeps me stuck in this godforsaken dump. Buried in paperwork; from pillar to post yet I have exhausted so many options that our health care organizations are running out of ideas. Not that the only person who both controls and condemned me to this fate cares enough to read this blog, but one can dream. In the meantime I've been going through my gaming backlog. Recently I wrapped up Borderlands 4 co-op with Luxatus as he achieved his platinum trophy. I've started Pokémon XD: Gale of Darkness earlier this year. Saving the review for the year summary, but the game was exhausting. Bigger isn't always better. It lacked the core (story, characters, world, music, gameplay) that made Colosseum compelling, but those were also part of Colosseum's critique. In trying to fix those, it created a meager "quantity over quality" sequel with its best ideas underutilized and an unsatisfying ending. It's good, but not as great as I hoped it to be. I'll do the post-game another time and play something else from the list. Now leave me alone.

[EMS] The axe forgets; the tree remembers.

So much for Guild Contribution. I haven't missed a single day but I can no longer say this is a perfect score. There's been plenty of close calls in the past nine years but the one thing I was ill-prepared for was the diabolical decision to increase the daily contribution cap on the 18th of March from 5000 to 35000 (and only for three hours). You can't make this shit up. Only in Maple can you continue to have a perfect daily track record and yet still losing out on 30k points.

This was a much longer blogpost, but I'm too pissed to give a damn. You can forget about the 6th Job blogpost, I can't be arsed anymore to write it for the foreseeable future. Losing this one is just one too many. I despise the demand to change dailies into weeklies. If you asked for this, I hope it was worth ruining the fun for others. Now leave me alone.

[EMS] Eternal set completed, catching up on bosses and more!

Hey all, today we'll look at some of the recent achievements and upcoming plans for this year. Let's start with the pair of new Level 260s - this season's Hyper Burning (Phantom) and my F/P from two years ago. This adds another mule to the weekly boss army, and I'll now work on raising my Bishop from 250 to 260. Next burning should be Mo Xuan.

The recent event introduces a new staple challenge for a free Plasma Heart voucher, which was an excellent incentive to get off my lazy bum and give it a shot. Before this update, I was content to settle on True Hilla as the highest weekly boss, seeing how quick and easy these runs have become thanks to 6th Job. The challenge however requires to clear at least Easy Kaling, which is further in the game. Not a boss I was familiar with to say the least, so I reserved a day to run practice mode and to study with videos. To my surprise, I had it cleared within four hours! Even better, as much as I was encouraged by friends to try out this challenge, I then found myself encouraging others to try it out as well.

At a first glance, Kaling overwhelms you with a bunch of stuff you have to learn and micromanage. Then I realized that most is irrelevant and that the boss is laughably exploitable. Defeating Hundun and phase 2 before the bind runs out eliminates most of the difficulty. It ensures you have ample time to safely clear the rest. To give an idea, this video for coaching (apologies for the subpar commentary; it's not my strong suit) was the third clear. Not sure if that video will be of use here but I figured its inclusion fits today's topic and may be interesting as part of this blog's recorded history.

With Easy Kaling being such a deceptively reasonable task, I've added it to the weekly menu. Seeing how quickly I was able to learn a new boss, I figured I might as well try out the others. I've settled on adding Normal Seren and Easy Kalos since these could be cleared immediately without much effort. I can't be arsed to practice Easy First Adversary, Hard Seren and Normal Kalos because the extra hour doesn't yield much. We don't have dynamic boss crystals and due to trade restrictions I can't sell the loot. The low effort 320 mill will do just fine. Plus, there's also Black Mage runs!

Now, the reason for this tangent has to do with the next goal. As expected, the Eternal set was completed last month. Aside from Star Forcing to 18 and grindstones, there's not many low-hanging fruits left to spend mesos on. It's been a while since I've had a massive goal to work towards (the likes of Mu Gong or Ribgol), and I fancy a new challenge to keep me occupied. I have something in mind and I'll be saving up mesos for the remainder of the year or until this goal is met. Whether if this will work out depends on the assumption that several things in EMS remain the same as they've been for years, but with the current management there's just no guarantee. I'll give it a fair chance, do what I can and we'll see where this goes. I'm pretty sure it'll work out just fine, but you can never be certain with these guys in charge.

Before I wrap up today's blogpost, a few other things to mention. Here's the regular reminder that for the next several months I'm taking a break from my LEGO portfolio in order to replenish the parts budget. Blueprints for Ouroboros legs are ready. It's got the power and the battery sorted out, so I'm fairly confident with this one. But as we all know, theory will take you only so far. I have most parts on hand, but there are several that need to be ordered in bulk, including a damn buyout. It's prohibitively expensive to do buyouts, but because it's a critical component it must be done. I'll order those later this year. For now, I'll try to publish the next 6th Job blogpost in either April or May. I'll get back to work now.

That's it for today - I'll see you guys again next post! Wait, what do you mean Konami redesigned the Sacred Beasts?

[EMS] Level 291!

Ding! Just fresh from the oven. Events end today, so that's another stack of rewards that contributes towards today's achievement. With Level 291 achieved early, I believe Level 293 as a goal is possible before the end of the year. The next symbol (Level 295) is still a long way off, but there's a lot of EXP-related quality of life updates to look forward to.

To continue on last month's objectives, I was very lucky with the results from all of this season's event cubes. All of my high priority equipment, including my recently-obtained Eternal Shoes, are now fully ranked up to Legendary Potential. This includes Additional Potential as well, and I hit the jackpot with my Reaper's Pendant! It is my first six-liner, which is a significant milestone considering the ridiculous odds of that ever happening. Furthermore, I was also able to land the first Spikes on Shoes, which is kinda funny given last month's tangent. Though now I'm stuck in Return Scroll hell because I do not have the luxury of redoing scrolls on these shoes. If only they sold the scroll in El Nath, like in JMS... As for obtaining the remaining two Eternal equips: I have enough mesos to buy one, but they're currently out of stock.

Anyway, the rush for this blogpost is intentional because I'd like to chime in on the discussion about recent events. Not that I really expect any of this to amount to much, given how meager the viewership is for this blog and how few seem to actually read anything here (especially true for new blogposts), but I do believe that in moments like these it's worth adding to the conversation. I feel like nobody is talking about two major issues and it seems to be caused by a lack of awareness on either subject matters. I'll try to keep it short because this could easily grow into two lengthy blogposts.

It was brought to my attention that multiple language support was recently confirmed for the EMS/GMS conglomerate. It's a legitimate cause for concerns because this was an ill-fated exclusive feature of EMS that caused many unfixable issues for the game. It was supported for about six years but there's good reason why this feature never returned. The technical details on how it worked is beyond the scope of this blogpost; all you need to know is that everything broke. The game is barely functional as it is. Adding more languages multiplies the required effort. EMS started out with five and had to axe two (including Spanish) after four years. The entire system was dropped after the hackwave of 2012 was over. Inkwell is a fool if he believes he can do what Nexon Europe couldn't, especially since this is well-trodden territory. It didn't work for EMS, it barely functions on MapleStory N and anything Go West has a terrible track record.

Now, the other point of discussion is the ousting of Wonky. Specifically: the dude that takes over the entire MapleStory franchise. I'd be careful about rejoicing if I were you, because historically Gaga's up there as one of Maple's worst. For those unaware, Gaga is Inkwell's mentor and his two-year tenure introduced everything we hate about the game. He may not have been the brain behind most of the game's horrendous monetization practices (that was mostly Inkwell's), but Gaga was the one that greenlit it all and then gave his position to Inkwell to further drive the game into the ground. His grossest contribution to MapleStory is the complete removal of all overseas content for Korea MapleStory in 2010; a decision so baffling that after 16 years I still don't know why they insist on enforcing this rule. If you ever wondered why KMS doesn't have certain classes or items, now you know. KMS players have never stopped asking to revert this decision and not even Changseop was able to give a sensible retort. You tell me: do we want the butcher of overseas content to oversee our version? If there's anything that threatens Go West more than its own deranged creator, it's the anti-overseas hardliner who gave the lunatic a career and put classic MapleStory into freefall. You have been warned.

Well, the future of EMS is certainly going to be interesting. Let's see if any of the withheld updates from Korea sees a widespread release under the new stewardship, or if the exclusivity is going to get worse. I guess we'll find out soon...

That's it for today - I'll see you guys again next post!